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♣ The 3rd Annual Posting ♣
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There was a girl from the City,
who the boys thought was really pretty.
They wined her and dined her
but only to find her
sporting a nine inch ditty.
“But, boys,” she would say,
“don’t go away.
There’s so much I can do for you.
I’ve got what you need,
no need to plead,
I’m more than willing to screw you.”
“I mean… have you screw me,
in anyway you please,
your pleasure is my intent.
So, relax while you can,
I’m not really a man.
Well – only to some extent.”
The boys said, “What?”
“That’s some kind of cock
hanging between your thighs.
You put most men to shame
bringing that kind of game
with your girth in addition to size.”
“But, I’m under a spell!
I really can’t tell
because it would add more years,
to this curse I am under,
it’s really a blunder,
I’m a woman with a man’s set of gears.”
“Ya, ya… OK…” the men would say.
Certainly no one believed it.
The penis that hung strapped like a gun
on the woman who said she didn’t need it.
“It was the Leprechauns!
Those mad little pawns
of magic and mystery and cash.
I found their pot
of gold in a spot
that was hidden with most of their stash.”
“They cursed me then,
gave me two score and ten
to be in a man’s set of shoes.
Said maybe I’d learn
what it feels like to yearn,
only ending with balls that are blue.”
“You’re joking, right?
You didn’t put up a fight
against those men dressed in green?
With hair of red,
you’ve nothing to dread,
they’re not bad, they just look kinda mean.”
“OK, OK… what ever you say,
I guess you just think it’s silly.
Whatever I do,
the fact still is true,
I’m a woman endowed with a Willie.”
Then, from the rear
of the crowd gathered here,
a deep voice cut through it all.
“Twas the Leprechaun’s, it was
who caused all this buzz,
giving her a man’s set of balls!”
“They did the same in reverse
to me – I am cursed.
I have that woman’s vajayjay.
They thought it was fun to take my gun
and attach it to her as a waylay.”
“From what, you may ask?
From life! And it’s task
of living and loving and fun.
She found their gold
and from what I’m told,
she didn’t even tell anyone.”
“But, that mattered not,
in their trap she was caught,
the gold still in her hand.
So they cast a spell,
now no one can tell,
Is she woman?
Or is she man?”
“From a thousand miles away,
the curse came into play
against my man parts, you see.
They did a switch
and left an itch
where my balls ought to be.”
“I was caught by surprise
and I couldn’t surmise
what, indeed had happened to me.
My manhood was gone,
replaced by a thong
and now, I sit to pee.”
“For years I’ve searched
to end this curse
of this woman’s part on me.
And, now it will end –
come closer, my friend,
and I’ll tell you what shall be.”
“The magic within us can be reversed.
The Leprechauns used a mild curse
to switch our parts
from me to you.
And here is what we have to do.”
“If we lay together on St. Patrick’s Day,
in a field of clover down Blarney Way,
At the stroke of one,
it will come undone,
when we utter these words this way.”
“My part is mine own,
not hers or his,
not to be switched
like some side show biz.
I do unto it,
what is right for me.
It’s not a toy for some Leprechauns glee.”
“By laying together
and joining the two,
your part to me
and my part to you,
we’ll undo the magic
that curses us here.
And we’ll have HAPPY HOURS
for the rest of our years!”
Leprechaun
2 ounces Irish Whiskey
tonic water
Fill rocks glass with ice. Add whiskey. Fill with tonic. Garnish with lemon twist.
Enjoy!
“Shaken, not stirred.”
“Really?” Francie tilted her head away from the guy in the tie standing at her bar and whispered to Sarah, “Did he just say that?”
Sarah giggled and nodded, raising her eyebrows. “Yup, girlfriend, he really did.”
As Sarah sashayed her way towards the kitchen, Francie took note that she didn’t retort with any snarky comments. Usually she was good for a zinger or two. Maybe something’s troubling her tonight, Francie thought. I’ll have to ask her later. But, right now, I have a Bond-inspired martini to make. She filled the glass with ice and water so it would chill, then reached for the SKYY vodka. The trademark blue bottle was almost empty and she still hadn’t made out a new order. Things seemed crazy these past few weeks and she didn’t know why. She felt like she just wasn’t keeping up with the things that needed to get done. Maybe I should stay off Twitter for a while, she thought. It’s kind of becoming an addiction. Francie immediately pushed those thoughts away. Nah… that can’t be it! She picked up the cocktail shaker and shook it vigorously, catching the eye of her customer.
He smiled as he watched her movements. He loved to order his martini’s shaken when there was a female bartender. The way it caused their breasts to heave inside their shirt as if they were struggling to be released, was always a pleasure to watch. At home, he wouldn’t even consider shaking his martini, let alone use vodka in it. He preferred Gin. And just a gentle stir, so as not to bruise the alcohol. Now that, is a true martini. Just like it was made in the 50′s. Or even in the early 60′s, when TV shows like Bewitched, had Samantha waiting for Darren to come home from work with a pitcher in hand and ready to pour. Undoubtedly, that was a gin martini, he thought… that was the era… women had class then…
The barmaid placed the cocktail in front of him with a wink, interrupting his thoughts. “There you are, Sir. Shaken, not stirred.” She seemed to be holding back a snicker, as if she knew a joke that he wasn’t allowed to share.
He noticed her name tag, “Thank you, Francie,” he said. “I appreciate that. Is your name short for Francine?”
“Ya, old-fashioned, I know. My Mom’s in love with Francine Reed’s music. She insists it’s like listening to someone’s intimate conversation. All throaty and jazzy, ya know?” Francie’s eyes glazed and her head swayed as she listened to music only she could hear. “I guess I’m a fan, too,” she chuckled, pulling herself back to the present.
The guy in the tie grinned knowingly.
“You’re dressed kind of gentlemanly for a young guy,” Francie prompted. She liked the way he looked. Most guys her age only wore t-shirts and ripped jeans. This guy is different, she sensed.
“I guess, like your name, I, too am old-fashioned. I tend to appreciate a slower paced life. Most people don’t get me.” He took a sip of his martini.
“I know what you mean,” Francie commented as she busied herself wiping the bar. For some reason, she wanted to stay and talk to this guy. “My girlfriends are always laughing at the music I listen to. They say I’m way too young to like Blues and Swing. But, you know what? I really don’t care. It’s my life and I’ll live it my way!” She resisted the urge to fold her arms across her chest and stick out her tongue like a stubborn child.
The guy chuckled. “My name is Rex. I guess my Mother liked names from the 50′s, as well.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Rex,” Francie said, extending her hand across the bar. Rex took it and gently pulled her arm towards him to plant a kiss on the back of her hand. Francie blushed and dropped her eyes to the bar. “Now, where is that rag?”
“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to offend you,” Rex mumbled in a low voice.
“Oh, no! You didn’t offend me… just the opposite, actually!” The words rushed out. The last thing she wanted, was for this quiet person to think she didn’t like him. “I’m just not used to being treated like a lady. It kind of throws me off balance. Usually, guys in bars are pretty crass. They think that because I work in one, that I’m here for their enjoyment. You, Rex, are truly a breath of fresh air!”
Rex looked at her for a long moment. “Are you available on Saturday afternoon? There’s a model sailboat race at the lake in the park for Thanksgiving weekend. Would you like to go with me?”
Francie laughed. “Of course I’ll go! That sounds like a perfect date.”
“Hey Francie!” Sarah shouted from the kitchen. “Did you forget you’re the only bartender on tonight? Get your ass moving… it’s HAPPY HOUR!”
Old Fashioned
Muddle together in a glass:
Stemless Maraschino Cherry, Orange slice,
1/2 tsp. Sugar, 4-5 dashes of Bitters
Fill the glass with ice.
Add 2 oz. Whiskey
Splash of Seltzer or Soda Water
Stir.
Enjoy!
“Brrrrr….
the breeze is chilly today.” Jainey’s hair blew across her eyes, obscuring her sight for a moment. She usually kept her hair up in a clip or back in a pony tail and she couldn’t decide if she was annoyed because it was in her face – or thrilled by it blowing freely in the wind. She turned her head slightly and her hair obediently blew around her shoulders and flowed down her back.
Jainey looked up at the brilliant blue sky with its big puffy white clouds, took a deep cleansing breath and immediately started hacking like a 2 pack a day smoker. “Damn, this stupid cold!”, she thought as she pulled out her trusty packet of Puffs Plus. She blew her nose and stuffed the wadded tissues back into her pocket. She was most determined to enjoy this beautiful fall day. She knew that even though it was only the beginning of Autumn, this gorgeous sunny weather surely wouldn’t last very much longer. Soon enough all the trees would be bare of their leaves and she wouldn’t be venturing outside nearly as much.
Zipping up her fleecy jacket, Jainey once more started out on her afternoon walk. She was careful to avoid taking any more of the deep breaths that were certain to trigger another coughing spell. The wind picked up, once more blowing her hair across her face, but this time, Jainey realized she was enjoying the tickles it caused on her chin. She casually looked up at the leaves falling around her dancing in the wind and turned to do a pirouette, herself. Spinning numerous times, giggling out loud with sheer delight just like a first grader, Jainey nearly lost her balance. She slowly stopped and decided she should probably behave like a grown woman, she was out in public, after all!
She turned her attention back to the leaves and stood admiring their cascading dance. Reds, yellows, oranges and gold spun crazily in the air. She looked up… whack!… “what the…?” just as a leaf slapped her upside the head! “That was weird”, she thought, pulling it out of her hair. Smack!… another one hit… then…bam!… another! Jainey was being pummelled by leaves! She started roaring with laughter at the hilarity of it all!
A car drove by as she stood on the sidewalk laughing at herself. The driver slowed a bit, probably trying to decide if this was some crazy woman he should avoid or if she was just a happy person sharing her joy with the world. Whatever he decided, he just shook his head and drove on. Jainey didn’t care, this walk was turning out to be pretty much fun, despite the chill in the air.
Continuing on, Jainey came across people outside mowing their lawns (hopefully, one of the last few times this year), planting mums in pottery by their front doors and tying cornstalks to porch posts. She stopped completely in disbelief, when she saw a couple lugging, yes, actually lugging full sized hay bales (or was it straw?) up their driveway. “Where do you even get those things?” she wondered out loud. “And why would you want that in your lawn? Seems to me, it would be quite a mess to clean up at the end of the season. Huh, what some people do for effect is beyond me!” Not that she didn’t enjoy a nice decoration or two – but, some of the things she saw… indescribable.
Still wondering why some people went to so much trouble to decorate for the holidays, Jainey rounded the corner that would take her back home. She heard music and laughter in the distance and as she walked closer, Jainey saw a gathering of people in her neighbor’s back yard. Everyone was walking around with mugs of steaming… something. (Do I smell apples?) There was a small group gathered around a fire pit that was encircled by – yup – you guessed it… hay or straw or whatever those bales of dried grassy mess were! Jainey chuckled to herself. “I guess more people know where to get that stuff than I thought!”
She was spotted by her neighbor just as her foot hit the property line. “Hey, Jainey! Where’ve you been? We’ve been looking for you!”
“Just coming back from my walk. Nice hay bales.”
“Ya, aren’t they great? There’s a farmer a couple miles out of town who sells them. And, just an FYI, they’re straw.
“Oh, cool.” Jainey made a mental note of it, under ‘things you will probably never need to know as a city girl who was forced to move to the suburbs.’ She was wondering what they would actually feel like to sit on. They looked kind of pokey. What Jainey couldn’t have known, was that she was about to find out…
“So, are you busy? We want you to come join us… it’s HAPPY HOUR!”
He Said...She Said...